Anyone remember the 1974 World Cup? No? Thought not. Well anyway, back then the Finals of the world's greatest football competition were held in West Germany and were a great success. During the opening ceremony, fans in the Olympic Stadium, Munich, were treated to a parade of coaches driven around the athletics track, each one adorned in the colours of each country taking part in the tournament.

Yes, those crazy Krauts certainly know how to party. Anyway, with the World Cup being held in Germany once again this year, the organising committee thought it'd be a spiffing wheeze to have yet another parade of coaches in the opening ceremony. To add to the fun, FIFA organised a competition on its website where fans from around the world were asked to provide a slogan to be displayed on the coach of their national team.

Sadly my entry - "National Express to Heathrow from £18" - wasn't chosen for the England coach, but I'd say they missed a trick there. The advertising revenue alone could have made it worth while.

Instead the winning entry for England's coach was "One Nation, One Trophy, Eleven Lions." Or 23 lions to be exact. Wouldn't be worth having a huge coach for just eleven, would it?

So what slogans will be appearing on the sides of the other national coaches? Let's have a proper snipe at the best of those on offer:

Argentina: "Get up, Argentina are on the move"
The last time they said that was before the Falklands invasion. Be warned...

Brazil: "Vehicle monitored by 180 million Brazilian hearts"
What?!?

Costa Rica: "Our army is the team, our weapon is the ball. Let's go to Germany and give it our all"
Clearly a country looking for a war. Has George Bush been informed?

Ivory Coast: "Come on the Elephants! Win the cup in style"
I'll let you make up your own jokes for that one...

Iran: "Stars of Persia"
More appropriate might have been "Go Nuclear With Iran", perhaps...

Netherlands – "Oranje on the road to gold"
...and banned substances on the way from Amsterdam, presumably...

Spain: "Spain. One country, one goal"
...which is the total number they usually score during the World Cup...

Switzerland: "2006, it's Swiss o'clock"
Er...

Sweden: "Fight! Show spirit! Come on! You have the support of everyone"
Not so much a slogan - more a rambling conversation, really...

And before we descend into even more ardent cynicism, check out the others at or why not submit your own suggestions for other World Cup coaches?